hurt...

my once-close friends opinions over me are apparently divided into 2 groups.the relations with one group are very icy,not having had any decent contact at all and the other graciously are still online gaming buddies with me at least.

so what happens when i unwittingly come along and try to join in? i get rejected.

like a shabbily-dressed person wanting to eat in a posh restaurant,like the social outcast in school that no one wants to talk to,much less play with.

i did not know the gracious group were planning to play with the icy group when i asked them to play with me seeing they were online at the usual gaming hour.and so they told me,and said they could not.

though i had minimal contact with the icy group,those times we were cordial at least.cordial enough to share an activity at least,i suppose(or am i hoping?).

did they even ask them if they minded? or did they take it into their own hands not to avoid potential tensions? i would never know,though i wish to but yet will not ask.

it was the flat denial;'we are playing with them,go play with someone else',that stung.i can never think of a time i was flatly rejected like that.

and so i'm hurt.but i really cannot expect any better.those were good times we once shared ,but they would say i was the one who chose to relinquish the close bonds.

...then my horns grew.i stalked them,join their game anonymously,and trashed them good!

***

it was not intentional that i stayed up for the message that would usually come when you landed.in fact i was sleeping through peacefully though i admit i somehow was waking every hour(anticipation? worry?).

i was just upset it did not come like it usually did.i think it had always been like that despite the unearthly hours though it had been quite a while since you flew far.

i like to think that the things i do that have somehow become ingrained and automated are things you genuinely appreciate and like and i do hope you do.

i know it is hard for us having to be apart so often and i should not make it even harder for you.i also understand,on hindsight,that it is impractical and to a larger extent unreasonable to expect those frilly things due to the distance and time.and me being upset and petty over these small things are just going to make you feel miserable and restrict your planned activities.

it is just that contact with you of any kind while you are away keeps me going while i am all alone and truly lonely.it is the fuel that drives me,to get out of bed and the house feeling energetic to do the things i need,planned and have to do.it also dulls the numbness somewhat of not having you around,something i get so used to and cannot do without.

i promise to need you less but more.

i love you yangyang,even more so each passing day.i cannot wait to celebrate our approaching anniversary and oh,your birthday too.